Hey, if the Pens can mail it in, so can I.

Even Strength Offense: F

A few perimeter shots, no rebounds, no nothing on Nabokov. The fact that Brandon Sutter had the best chances says it all.

Even Strength Defense: F

Yeah, give the puck away to Grabner at the blue line. Very good idea.

Power Play: F

The 5-minute major where they got maybe one shot was as embarrassing as it gets. It took the league all of a week to figure out Jack Adams’s new and improved power play.

Penalty Kill: F

Hey, Jack Adams, if you want to see how a real power play works, watch the Isles. Of course, it helps that they were running it against the same pylon box the Pens used against Philly last year.

Goaltending: I

It’s not even fair to try to judge the goaltenders on a night when you had 18 skaters who would rather have still been locked out.

Overall: F

This is the type of performance that gets a coach fired, or at least starts the talk (of course, some of us started the talk after last year’s playoff debacle, but we’re on the cutting edge). This was a second consecutive putrid performance on home ice against a bad team. Once again, the crowd was into it early, but the Pens’ uninspired play put them to sleep almost immediately. Even Brian Engblom between the benches called the Pens’ attitude “businesslike, bordering on flat.” Very charitable. I would say they just flat don’t give a sh!t. They seem almost put out by the fact they have to play hockey instead of lounging around the house all day.

And now, the rest of the story…

Sid: F

Pretty much invisible. Maybe that’s because he played with Geno much of the night.

Geno: F

There needs to be a healthy scratch in this guy’s future. In the first period alone, he gave the puck away at least six times by my count. Who knows how many more after that? It is just sickening to watch. Seriously, this guy actually won the Hart last year?

James Neal: F

Zero, zip, nil, nada shots on goal.

Brandon Sutter: F

Maybe if he buries one of his first period chances, it’s a different game. Oh, who am I kidding on either of those? He has singlehandedly destroyed the third line’s ability to score goals.

Chris Kunitz: F

Is there a dumber player (well other than Tyler Kennedy) in the NHL right now?

Paul Martin: F

Apparently all it took was me praising him after the last game for the Evil Paul Martin to appear. His brutal giveaway on the first goal started the onslaught.

The Eunuch: F

They have totally neutered Matt Cooke. Late in the game, he got shoved to the ice and just got up and skated away. If he isn’t going to get chippy on that one, he never is. I do not want the dirty Matt Cooke, but I would like to see some edge to his game. Otherwise, he’s worthless.

Ray Shero: F

Boy, wouldn’t Brian Strait look good in black and gold right about now? Or Matt Moulson? Or any young winger?

Jack Adams: F

Striped Buffoonery

Nothing of note.

Genover

Pick any of the half dozen in the first period.

Icehole

Colin McDonald for boarding Ben Lovejoy. That was a horrible hit. Maybe he was upset at the Pens for not resigning him?

I’m on Twitter.

A guide to the game grades can be found here.