A Guide To The Game Grades
Ever wonder who “Uncle Daddy” or “Gollum” are; why Michel Therrien is called “The Genius;” or where the “Monk Moment” originated?
This is the one stop shop for all of my sayings, terms and names. It will be updated after each edition of the game grades, and will be linked to within each Report Card.
Keep in mind that many of these nicknames and sayings did not originate with me. But when I hear something I like, I use it.
John Avery: Nickname of Sean Avery, whose name was found in the black book of a New York prostitute.
Bitter Beer Face: Ruiner of Hockey coach Brent Sutter. Just look at him and picture him in those old Keystone Light commercials.
BlindMassenhoven: Striped Buffoon Don VanMassenhoven.
Bobby Boucher: Brian Boucher, named after the Adam Sandler charachter in The Waterboy.
Bozo the Hockey Player: Scott Hartnell. Just look at him.
Brunes: The team from Boston, as pronounced by Bob Errey.
Colie’s Boy: Gregory Campbell, son of NHL exec Colin Campbell, who famously calls and e-mails to berate refs who make calls against his precious little child.
Daddy’s Boy McCauley: Striped Buffoon Wes McCauley, whose dad was also a ref. Nepotism is alive and well.
The Dan-O’s: Refs Dan O’Rourke and Dan O’Halloran.
Diving Whining Choking Dog Alfredsson: Ottawa’s Daniel Alfredsson, who exhibits all these traits in the playoffs.
Doobie-Doobie-Do: New York Islander goalie Wade Dubielewicz.
Drunk That Can’t Skate: Derian Hatcher. he was called that by the late great Herb Brooks.
EFGT: Marc-Andre Fleury. He has these initials on his mask. My wife says they stand for Elite F’in Goal Tender. In reality, those are his grandparents’ initials.
Fartsmell: See Bozo the Hoickey Player.
Fat Pig Koharski: Striped Buffoon Don Koharski, who was famously told by then Devils coach Jim Schoenfeld to “have another donut, you fat pig” after Koharski blew yet another call in a playoff game.
Flower: Marc-Andre Fleury. Ty Conlin called him this every time he mentioned Fleury while he was commentating from the runway. If it’s good enough for Ty, it’s good enough for me to steal.
Fluky goal: J.S. Aubin, during his lamentable time in goal for the Pens, used to say that about half the goals that got by him (a rather large total) were fluky goals because they deflected in or were screened or whatever. It was never his fault.
Genover: Name given to Evgeni Malkin’s many heinous turnovers.
Gollum: Nickname given to Jason Blake because of his uncanny resemblance to the Lord of the Rings character.
Killer Heatley: Dany Heatley, who drove drunk and crashed his sports car, killing Dan Snyder.
Hockey God: Gary Roberts, for obvious reasons. He is a HOCKEY PLAYER.
Jan Hrdina: This is actually Dainius Zubrus, for whom it was a near certainty former Penguin Hrdina was to be traded. Trouble is, despite months of rumors, it never happened.
Icehole of the Game: Self-explanatory.
High stuck: Term used by former Penguin color man Peter Taglianetti, referring to high-sticked.
Name given by my wife to the Caps’ oversized whining coach Bruce Boudreau.
John-Mark Lerecchi: Name given to a struggling Bill Guerin, in honor of his two washed-up predecessors.
Johnny Vermont: Former washed-up Penguin John Leclair, who hailed from Vermont.
Kerry Hairspray: Striped buffoon Kerry Fraser, whose helmet haor style is matched only by Jimmy Johnson.
Kovalchoo: Ilya Kovalchuk, as that’s what the Genius called him in his infamous rant.
Kovalpunk: Ilya Kovalchuck, for his punk-like behavior of pointing at Sid after scoring a goal a couple years ago.
Lil Dab: Nickname given by my wife to Johnny Oduya, from the old Bryl Cream commercials.
Little Tyger: Tyler Kennedy. The awful nickname is courtesy of Steigy.
Lou the Devil: Lou Lamoriello, general manager of the Devils, whose boring play has ruined hockey.
Mick McGoof: Striped Buffoon Mick McGeough, who always does his best to make himself the center of attention.
Miserable Human Being: Former Pen Marty Straka. The infamous “Hockey Maven,” Stan Fischler, once called him this on the air during a broadcast. I guess Marty wouldn’t agree to an interview or something.
Mr. Irrelevant: Any goalie who backs up Uncle Daddy in New Jersey. This goalie gets to appear about once a millennium.
Monk Moment: A move that defies belief, from the movie Zoolander, where Hansel said he was going to go “Monk”, meaning use his ultra-spectacular, no-way-he-just-did-that move (which was pulling off his own underwear with one hand while still wearing pants).
Mr. October: Alex Goligoski, notorious for his quick starts and even quicker disappearances once Halloween passes.
Phil Kessel, because he looks like one and only has one.
NHL’s Biggest Faker:
Marc Savard, so called by Colin Campbell.
Alex Ovechkin, because he runs around making dirty hits like the one on Sergei Gonchar.
Puff Nuts: Nickname of Jaromir Jagr, supposedly first used by Chris Pronger.
That’s hated NBC analyst Pierre McGuire’s real first name.
Ruiners of Hockey: The Devils, whose boring, defense-oriented, never try to score brand of hockey puts people to sleep.
Sieve Bass: Former Penguin “goalie” J.S. Aubin, whose “official* moniker was Sea Bass.
Striped Buffoons: All NHL referees and linesmen.
The Genius: Michel Therrien, because of his mad scientist-like line tinkering.
Three Cenors Line: The line of Talbot, Staal, and Christensen, three centers. Named after the famed Three Tenors.
TYFS: Thank you for sucking, an award given to an opponent who makes a comically bad play.
Uncle Daddy: Martin Brodeur, who once had an affair with his sister-in-law.
Unibrow: Bobby Holik. Just look at him.
Village Idiot: Scott Hartnell. Just look at him.
War Garage: The NHL War Room in Toronto, named after Mario’s famous description of the league as a Garage League.
Brad Watson: The ref who totally botched a game because he didn’t even know the rules.
Wicks Barre: Used in honor of Michel Therrien. That’s how he says Wilkes Barre.
Yeo Play: Name of the Pens’ putrid power play, coached by Mike Yeo.