I am commissioning the readers of Faceoff-Factor go to Home Depot today and buy a bunch of wood.

Leave work right now. We don’t have time to waste.

Take the wood home and assemble an ark-like structure in your backyard, gather your family and any animals you may own and prepare for the worst.

Kris Draper is crying so much that I honestly think the world may flood again.

We need to preserve the human race in the face of this immediate danger.

But seriously, it’s a shame that I even have to take the time to write this article. The Penguins just won the Stanley Cup and we’re sitting here debating handshake line times on their DVR.

But should we be surprised? Sidney Crosby can’t do anything good without the caped anti-Crosby crusaders stepping up to the plate to dismiss his every achievement. People in Washington D.C. and Philadelphia are literally drooling with ecstasy as they bash Sidney all over Al Gore’s internet and try to degrade our Stanley Cup as much as they possibly can.

Which brings me to my next two points: those that are complaining are probably fans of a team that Crosby has perennially torched or eliminated from the post-season, and we won the Stanley Cup.

You know, the Stanley Cup: that big silver chalice that everyone plays for? The coup de grace? It belongs to Crosby. The kid you love to hate so very much.

Last season, when the Penguins were dispatched of in 6 games, Niklas Lidstrom was not the first person in the handshake line for the Detroit Red Wings.

Outrage! Lidstrom doesn’t care about hockey. He actually had the audacity to celebrate the Cup a moment later than his teammates and didn’t lead the handshake line for the Red Wings!

See how easy that is? Anyone can do it. All you have to do is muster all of your anger from losing and focus it onto one meaningless event. That way, it takes the attention off of the team that won the actual championship and onto your little personal crusade to defame the ones that beat you.

I’ve got you figured out, Kris Draper! And you can write that down.

Anyway, the bottom line here is that the Penguins won.

Do you know why Sidney Crosby was able to shake the hand of every Red Wing last year? Because he waited on the ice after the game was over to salute the fans who spent their time, emotions and money investing as much into the Cup run as they could.

That type of activity is apparently below Kris Draper, who bolted to the locker-room like a kid who had his toy taken away from him.

And now he wants the whole world to know that he isn’t happy about losing his toy.

Which leaves us with the following situation: the Detroit Red Wings aren’t talking about the actual hockey portion of Game 7. They’re talking about the events that transpired afterwards.

How absurd is that?

Kris Draper isn’t looking back with the media and saying, “Gee, maybe I could have cleared that puck. Or gotten that shot on goal. We could have tied the game.”

Nope. Forget the actual hockey game that occurred. That was just a formality.

It’s the handshake that makes all the difference.

I’ve got news for Kris Draper. You lost. If it was too much for you to wait 15 seconds for Sidney Crosby to step towards you, then the handshake tradition obviously means nothing to you.

Being gracious as a loser obviously isn’t in Draper or Zetterberg’s repertoire. Credit to the Wing’s for winning so much. We’ve yet to see the sour side of things.

Regardless, all we can do now is prepare for the flood. The tears have been flowing, and it’s already raining in Pittsburgh. You should all have your arks assembled by the end of the work day.

After the tears stop flowing and the ground dries. We can all emerge from our ark to shake hands and rebuild the world.

Captains have to be first. And don’t waste any time celebrating the fact that you survived or I’m heading back into my boat.