Faceoff Factor

Caps at Pens Grades

Mike Adams | Report Cards

Dec 28, 01:19 PM | Hype this story!

How The Gonch Almost Stole Christmas

Offense: C-

The offense was mediocre at best. The Pens generated virtually no forecheck against a Capital team that moved the puck quickly out of its own end. The transition game was more impressive, as the Pens did generate a decent number of odd-man breaks against a Capital defense that likes to pinch. The Pens burned them a number of times, including two goals. The first, by Jeff Taffe, was a sight for sore eyes, as a Penguin actually decided to shoot on a two-on-one. And he buried it past a startled Brent Johnson, who was so sure Taffe would pass that he was already moving across the crease, leaving the short side wide open. Great shot by Taffe. The Pens’ second goal also came off the rush, as Whitney forced Johnson to make a big save, then Colby banked the puck in off the beleaguered Cap goalie, who injured himself on the play and was replaced by the eighty-something-year-old Oldie Kolzig. Sadly, the Pens’ offense dried up at that point, as they apparently forgot the Caps were playing a geriatric goalie who moments before had been sleeping in the runway. They threw virtually nothing at the aged one until the late-game power play. Then, in OT, Sid makes a brilliant pass to a pinching Gonch, who finally realized the true meaning of hockey (that being to help your own team win), and, bam, it’s over. And all the little Whos Down in Whoville went home happy.

Defense: D

When your defense hands them two goals on a silver platter, it is hard to rate them highly. I won’t name the culprit, but if you can picture a Gonch in your mind, you will know who it is. Both were just brutal giveaways. First one, he tries to bank the puck off the boards and totally misfires, handing it right to Boyd Gordon, who found The Donald for a stunning goal. Then, not to be outdone, The Gonch reprises the act late in the second period. This time, he just hands the puck to a stunned Nicklas Backstrom, who was at least cognizant enough to find Alex Ovechkin all alone in front. No chance for Conklin, and the Caps took the lead. The Pens tightened up some in the third and that allowed them to eventually find some offense and overcome the Caps. But until then, they were bottled up in their own zone most of the night, especially in the second period. It was just a brutal, ugly display of how not to move the puck out of your zone. Once again, they were done in by the Ottawa blueprint of forechecking them hard and making their pitiful defensemen move the puck. And as we see time and again, they are unable to do it. But some of this is on the forwards, too. All night long, they got caught going toward center ice while the puck was going back the other way as a result of a poor clearing attempt. The forwards were not helping the D at all; the separation was just way too large on breakouts.

Power play: B

The power play seems to be emerging from its early-winter slumber. The first one was nothing to write home about, but the next one looked very good. They are giving opponents different looks, and it seems to be helping. I really like having Sid and Malkin kind of roaming, and letting the others react to them. They overpassed the puck most of the night, but at least on the last power play, it led to a couple glorious chances that the old guy in net somehow awakened long enough to stop. But then they got the faceoff, Christensen wins it cleanly back to Sydor, who blasts a rocket off of Jurcina and past a stunned Oldie. Again, thanks to incompetent officiating, they got only two power play chances. Are the refs on strike or something?

Penalty kill: A

The Striped Buffoons gave Washington only two power play chances also, so at least their incompetence cut both ways. But the Pens killed both of them very well, and Conklin really didn’t have to make a big save. Washington’s power play, which looked great in a game I saw last weekend, did nothing in this one. With Eaton out, The Genius bulked up the shorthanded time of Sydor and Whitney, while giving exactly zero to Letang and Orpik. I think the former will eventually be a solid PK guy, but I’m sure they don’t want to overload him just yet. As for the latter, well, when you’re a healthy scratch for this lowly group, what more needs be said?

Goaltending: B

During the broadcast, Steigy and Errey were comparing Conklin to Ken Wregget, and I actually get that. They are both “grinders,” as Errey called them. They don’t often look pretty in stopping the puck, but they usually get it done somehow. Conklin has found a way to win three straight starts, albeit against very weak teams. But he’s getting the job done. Last night, he could do nothing about the two goals The Gonch gift-wrapped, but he should have stopped the third one. Yeah, the defense backed in too far on an odd-man break, but he lad a five hole the size of the Fort Pitt Tunnels. That was a bad goal. But to his credit, he came back in the third and made several key saves that allowed the Pens to tie it up. I’m not convinced this will last forever, but I guess you have to ride him until it stops. That might well be this weekend, when they finally face a formidable foe after four games against the weak sisters (yeah, yeah, I know the Bruins are ahead of them, but half their team is hurt right now and they have no offense at all).

Pens goalies since Fleury went out: 6-4-0, 3.31 GAA, .888 save percentage.

Overall: C+

They were very fortunate to win this game. The Caps had them down and out, but took an ill-advised roughing penalty late. The Pens used that power play to knot the score. Then they got the great play in OT to win it. But this was not an effort to be proud of. The second period was an unmitigated disaster thanks to lack of focus and poor design. They did play better in the third. The Caps seemed to tire a bit, as they were on the second of a back-to-back. But the Pens really didn’t break a sweat until late. It was an awful game to watch for the most part. The Caps were tired and the Pens were bored. Let’s just say they better come with a lot more passion these next two games, or it will be ugly.

And now, the rest of the story…

Crowd: A

I just loved to hear them giving the Pens a Bronx cheer on those rare occasions in the second period when they got the puck out without icing it. Oh, and nothing gets the crowd fired up like the site of Oldie coming in to play goal.

The Gonch: D

Two goals handed to them on a silver platter. One game winner. That’s a -1 in my book, and deserving of a D.

Staged fights: F

Okay, can somebody please explain the purpose of Brashear and Laraque going at it? It is nothing but a sideshow when something like that happens. Both guys can actually play a bit of hockey, too, but they are just wasting their time doing these pre-staged bouts. I have nothing against fighting, but stuff like this does nothing for me.

Striped Buffoon Huh? Call of the Game

This one was easy. Late in the second, Malkin was blatantly tripped and went hard into the boards. Yet there was no call. I ask this every time the Garage League assigns him to a Penguin game, but why is Dan Marouelli even allowed to officiate Penguin games? It is obvious to anyone who watches that he has some sort of built-in animus toward them. Think the Gordie Roberts penalty late in Game 2 in Boston in 1991. Think the unbelievably ridiculous penalty shot given to Joe Juneau in the marathon playoff game in 1996. Then just watch any Penguin game he calls. There is bias there. I just wish we knew the reason why, so we could get him the help he so desperately needs.

The Monk Moment

We haven’t given it to Sid in awhile. Two plays come to mind. One is where he got three great shots in a row on Johnson. Talk about hand-eye coordination. Amazing. Then we have the game-winner. Just tremendous vision to spot The Gonch breaking in and set him up for an open net.

Icehole of the Game

Since no Capital earned it, we will give it back to Marco Sturm, as this was Eaton’s first game out due to the ridiculous slew foot. Speaking of which…

Garage league: F

Please explain to me, Mr. Colin Campbell, how the heck Sturm’s cheapshot on Eaton is not a suspendable offense. It was quite obviously intentional. It was an attempt to injure. It succeeded. What more does one have to do to be given time off? Oh yeah, just dare to lay even a finger on a Striped Buffoon who likely deserves it, and you’ll be sitting. But execute a potential career-ending move on a fellow player, and that’s okay. Yeah, whatever, you moronic idiot.

Crusher Christensen: A

Amazing the courage he has developed playing with Laraque and Roberts. But the line is working, so why break it up?

Lucky Squishy Ball: A

My wife gave me one of these for Christmas to relieve the stress during games. I hadn’t used it until picking it up just before the Pens tied the game. Needless to say, I’ll have to remember to use it all the time from now on.

Billiards: F

While it’s a cool game, I really suck at it. And, so, apparently, does The Gonch. His first giveaway proved he has no concept of how to play a bank shot. Apparently, he failed geometry as a youngster.