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C.J. "Stoosh" Jiuliante | National Hockey League

Jun 29, 11:51 PM | Hype this story!

DISCLAIMER: The following is a joke. It’s not a real press release. I can’t believe I need to put this up here, but you never know, so… *****************

PRESS RELEASE (again, this is just a joke)

TAMPA SIGNS MALONE, ROBERTS, DEALS FOR ROLSTON’S RIGHTS; PLANS TO ADDRESS DEFENSE WITH PYLONS, FANS FROM STANDS

Tampa (AP, UPI, F-U) —

Well, new Tampa Bay Lightning ownership certainly made good on its promise to make some noise this summer in free agency.

A day after acquiring exlusive negotiating rights to Penguins wingers Gary Roberts and Ryan Malone, they followed through by inking both to deals on Sunday.

Roberts – who might have just killed a man – gets a one-year, $2 million deal that also comes with final say in coaching decisions. Why? Well, in his words to this reporter, newly-hired coach Barry Melrose “could (expletive) up a cup of coffee. I played against him when he coached in Los Angeles. The guy coached Gretzky for three years and missed the playoffs twice. Who the hell does that?”

Malone signed a seven-year, $31 million deal, meaning Tampa now agrees to deal their third-round pick in the 2009 Entry Draft to Pittsburgh. Tampa also gets to sit back and hope the Malone they just signed is the same one who finished with a strong 2007-08 season and not the one who took the ice in 2005-06 extremely out of shape and looking like he could’ve lost a race to molasses.

Tampa wrapped up the day by acquiring the exclusive negotiating rights to Minnesota Wild winger Brian Rolston. We’d outline the deal for you here, but we had to bring in noted chaos mathematician Dr. Ian Malcolm to decipher the conditions of the tradel. We expect a report back from Dr. Malcolm by next Tuesday. Yes, the deal was that complicated.

While the trade now brings Malone and likely Rolston into a group of talented forwards that includes franchise face Vinny Lecavalier, franchise rookie Steven Stamkos, franchise Oompa-Loompa Martin St. Louis (tell me he didn’t look like an Oompa-Loompa in those NHL HD commercials), franchise shootout-specialist-and-not-much-more Jussi Jokinen and franchise postseason disappearing act Vinny Prospal, the Lightning have done little to address a porous defense.

Tampa yielded 267 goals last season and only the Atlanta Thrashers were worse. No one in Atlanta really noticed, but Lightning goaltender Mike Smith did. He’s concerned that his end of the ice isn’t getting any attention and is not hoping for a sequel of last year.

“What the (expletive),” Smith wondered. “Didn’t they see that I was facing fifty…sixty shots a night last year when I got here? And this isn’t a problem? I’ll tell you something right now…if this means another twenty-five (expletive) minutes a night from Filip (expletive) Kuba, by the time (expletive) Thanksgiving rolls around, I’m gonna be screaming like I’m in front of a (expletive) firing squad!”

Koules and Barrie attempted to relieve their goaltender’s concerns by unveiling a new promotion.

“Here in Tampa, we’re about breaking the mold,” said Koules. “For each home game, we’re pulling four random fans from the stands and allowing them to suit up and play as the second and third defensive pairings for that night’s game. It was Len’s idea. He’s awesome!”

“No, you’re awesome, Oren,” shouted Barrie in response from across the room. “No, Len, YOU’RE awesome,” replied Koules, complete with an emphatic finger-point. Kind of uncomfortable, to be honest.

What about road games? “Well,” said Koules, “we’ve got some pylons we’re just going to cover with Filip Kuba, Shane O’Brien, Brad Lukowich and Mike Lundin jerseys. We’ll just throw them out there when Boyle and Ranger need a breather.”

“But that’s OK,” said Barrie. “We’re excited, the coaches are excited, the fans are excited and the players…well, they’re excited, too.”

Smith’s response to all this? “(Expletive) this.”