Faceoff Factor

12 Hates of Christmas: Day 12

Mike Wilson | National Hockey League

Dec 24, 10:02 AM | Hype this story!

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true hate sent to me…a bonehead named Sean Avery.

The biggest hate of 2008: The one and only…Sean Avery.

The NHL hates Sean Avery

Let’s begin chronologically, shall we? We’ll start in the Eastern Conference playoffs, April 2008. The New York Rangers eliminate the New Jersey Devils in the first round. After an entire season of being a (to keep it ‘PG’) pest, Sean Avery was lined up to shake everyone’s hand. And then he encountered, his adversary, Marty Brodeur.

Throughout the series, Avery constantly nagged, harassed, annoyed, and ran into Brodeur. So when they encountered each other in the hand shake line, Brodeur lowered his hand and looked right past the Ranger forward.

Not to be outdone, Avery fired back at Brodeur afterward on MSG’s postgame show, saying, “Everyone talks about how classless I am, but I guess fatso there just forgot to shake my hand.” Let’s break this sentence down grammatically:

“Everyone talks about how classless I am,”
+
“but”
+
“fatso” =
One of the worst ways to prove you’re not classless.

But moving on, Sean Avery was then signed by Dallas in the offseason. He was behaving well, for the most part, and then they played Calgary and Avery requested a camera…unfortunately, they gave them to him.

“I’m really happy to be back in Calgary; I love Canada,” the Ontario native said. “I just want to comment on how it’s become like a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy seconds. I don’t know what that’s about, but enjoy the game tonight.”

You could almost hear the hand slapping the forehead of the Dallas Stars’ PR person.

Avery was referring to his ex-girlfriend Elisha Cuthbert’s relationship with Calgary defenseman Dion Phaneuf. Cuthburt was also previously in a relationship with Montreal defenseman Mike Komisarek. Avery was also referring to another ex-girlfriend, Rachel Hunter, and her relationship with Los Angeles center Jarret Stoll.

Sean Avery showed the world that he not only doesn’t have respect for his peers, but he also showed that he didn’t have any respect for his ex-girlfriends, or their privacy. His actions earned him an immediate three-game suspension of play.

The Dallas Stars organization was embarrassed beyond all belief…and showed it by locking the door behind Avery and never letting him return to the team.

“Sean needs to focus on his own well-being while the Stars hockey team must focus on playing hockey and competing for a playoff spot,” said Stars Co-GM Brett Hull. “The message here is: no distractions. Sean can focus on resolving his personal issues.”

Dallas also said they would help Avery in any way to find a new team. I hate to say it, Dallas, but if you’re asking Sean Avery to take time and solve his personal problems and help find a new team in the process, you might as well sign him to a 10-year contract and pay him to keep out of the sport.

So, Mr. Avery, the part of me who writes a column every week about people like you wants you to stay in the league and keep making the bonehead statements you do that make my job easy. But the part of me who cares more about the integrity of hockey wants to see people like you, who ruin the reputation of the leagues, organizations, and players, wants to see you banished from this great game we all know and love.

With that, I’ll conclude this year of hating: 2008. I look forward to giving everyone here the same analyses in Hump-days to come in 2009. Barring some ‘great hate scandal,’ the Hump-day Hater Report will return in the New Year, but with your same proprietor.

Happy holidays to all our readers and safe travels to whomever they apply. Thanks for reading and of course…

Happy hating!