Faceoff Factor

Hater Report: Special Penguins Edition

Mike Wilson | Pittsburgh Penguins

Jan 1, 11:53 PM | Hype this story!

I take a couple weeks off, and the whole darn team collapses. I will give them a little credit here and there. They’re starting to shoot more and create offense. But here’s some hate that needs improving…

The Penguins hate Referees

For those of you who are unaware, the NHL instituted the “St. Laurent Rule” while I was on vacation. This rule means that if a referee is looking right at a penalty, that in so doing would put Pittsburgh on a power play, he is not permitted to call it. Everyone who has been reading Mike Adams’s spot-on game grades knows that the referees have not been siding with the Pens lately.

This last game against Boston saw at least two interference calls missed right in front of the net when Fedotenko was beaten down and then, two minutes later, without fail, Matt Cooke was called on interference. Now I’m not saying Cooke’s call wasn’t a penalty, because, by rule, it clearly was; I am saying, however, that referees need to keep in mind that when they make blatantly obvious non-calls, they need to be a little gracious on blowing that whistle.

Staal was later slashed in front of the net as well while the puck was still loose. All of this, mind you, occurred in the third period.

I also hear that Stephen Walkom, director of NHL officiating, has created a new penalty. The referee motion will be lifting his right leg behind him and motioning as if he had a stick moving forward on ice level. The penalty: wearing a Penguins’ sweater on the ice.

The Penguins hate winning faceoffs

I didn’t think it was possible to have some of the finest centers in the league and yet still be one of the worst teams in faceoff percentage. The team is ranked 19th in the league, but how many of those wins came from Mike Zigomanis before his injury? There is no way that this team, sans Zigomanis, has earned even 19th in the league in that department.

At the end of each period when FSN puts up their stats, I wonder how they accumulate so many. Where do they come from? What the statisticians have probably started doing is that every time someone connects on a pass inside a faceoff circle, they count it as a win; because they’re not getting them any other way.

Miroslav Satan hates performing

I’m tempted to see if the Penguins are willing to change their colors to black and red and adopt an angry buffalo as their logo just so Miroslav Satan can remember how well he used to play hockey. During the winning stretch (which seems oh so long ago), Satan played well. I think I got it: if the team plays well, Satan plays well. If they don’t play well, Satan contributes to the negative funk (which sounds like a great name for a rock band).

I remember back to this last Boston game where Satan received a beautiful spin pass from Malkin and it was just him and four Bruins in the offensive zone. Seeing that none of the defenders were moving in on him and he was all alone in the high slot, I immediately screamed “SHOOT!” but forgot how easy that would have been and just watched it roll off his stick instead.

Pascal Dupuis hates Ryan Whitney

…or at least he should.

With 8 points and +5 during the month of December, Pascal Dupuis is one of the few Penguins who has been consistent through this drought. Both he and Sykora were well deserving of A’s for January. But, instead, (this is the good part) the coaching staff thought it would be more rewarding to Dupuis to give the other A to Ryan Whitney, who has one point and -2 in his only five games this season.

In what dimension of the universe does an event like this occur?

Now I was a fan of this reward system early because it was accurately putting the right players in the limelight. But this has been a major mistake. My point is that it didn’t have to be Dupuis either. It could’ve been Scuderi or Orpik (our only consistent defensemen…and what does that say?). But Whitney? Really?

Now our readers might have learned by now that I’m not one for quickly criticizing Therrien on most things. But I think this one deserves a little scratch of the head.

Brian Engblom hates being in my column

Another unfortunate statistic over this losing period is the coming to an end of Brian Engblom’s mullet streak. I would like to extend my sympathy to all the woodland creatures that are now homeless due to this tragic mullet massacre.

I know that really didn’t belong, but I couldn’t resist. Let’s get back to Pittsburgh.

The Pens hate the Igloo

Why else would they be so bad playing in it? That’s my only conclusion. Does anyone else have one? I’m open to suggestions.

The Pens hate injuries

I think we all know why…

The power play hates scoring

The top-ten power play from earlier this season has dropped off to 17.5%, which is bad enough for another 19th place. This doesn’t include their 0-5 or 6 or 24 or whatever it was in Boston. But the saddest part of all of this is that the best thing we can draw from the Penguin power play is that Malkin is turning out to be the best offensive-defenseman we have. Think about that one folks… it’s sad, but in a way true.

The Goalies hate the defense

Over the past month, the blue liners have hung Fleury and Sabourin out to dry like laundry in a tornado. There have been way too many two-on-ones and breakaways that were executed poorly by the defense. This load doesn’t just fall on the guys in those positions, but the entire team when the puck is in their own zone. Lately, the Pens have all been playing like dogs chasing cars. They’re only chasing the puck, not the body, and when they actually catch it, they don’t know what do to with it.

Announcers hate finding Sidney Crosby on the ice

This is because, lately, he has been transparent. Though somehow he still ends up on the score sheet. How does he do that? As you can see, this causes confusion for those who are entrusted to bring the game’s action to our ears. No, not you Steigy…I said entrusted; one must be trusted, therefore you don’t qualify.

So, not to worry Penguins, I’m back. Your winning ways may resume. And we can all look forward to more haters in hump-days to come. Namely next hump-day, when the column will return to its regularly scheduled time.

Here’s to a happy new year to all and, of course…

Happy hating!