Faceoff Factor

Penguins: Jersey Shore Edition

Jesse Marshall | Pittsburgh Penguins

Dec 30, 09:58 AM | Hype this story!

I’m a sucker for a trainwreck.

Recently, MTV delivered me said trainwreck in the form of MTV’s new reality series Jersey Shore. In which, fake-tan steroid users drink, fight, and generally sleaze their way around the Jersey shore, donning hilarious nicknames like “The Situation” and “Snookie” along the way.

With the Penguins playing at the Prudential Center this evening, what better time to utilize the awesome Jersey Shore Nickname Generator that I found online yesterday to give our Pittsburgh Penguin greats their own jersey shore nickname.

Hopefully the steroids and faux-machismo from the show will rub off on the Guins tonight and get them locked in a points tie with the New Jersey Devils.

Without further adieu…

Sidney “The Condition” Crosby

Well, the Flyers certainly have this condition. It’s a result of badgering the hell out of one of the most talented players in the game and getting torched by it over and over again. Namely in the post-season. Crosby condition ends in you losing, no matter the scenario.

Evgeni “E-Muscle” Malkin

Flexing your e-muscle is what happens when you get drunk and just snap out like Geno did against the Carolina Hurricanes last season. Cam Ward tapped out when Geno put the e-muscle on him. It earned Geno a Conn Smythe trophy, and more importantly, a Stanley Cup. I once heard that eating Borscht is good for the e-muscle as well. That explains everything.

Jordan “Tricep” Staal

This one is fairly hilarious to me. Especially because I can remember Steigerwald and Errey talking about Staal’s strong “Arms and Wrists” during Game 5 in Washington. Tricep also works because of the way Staal brushed off Rafalski during the Cup finals last year. Tricep is just a good word to describe a defensive juggernaut like Staal. It also reminds me of Triceratops, and we all know how much Steigy and Bibsy love a good dinosaur reference.

Marc-Andre “Orange Juice” Fleury

Orange juice is a hilarious nickname in reference to Jersey Shore because of the combination of steroids and fake tan. However, for Fleury, it isn’t as applicable. He’s as skinny as a rail and as pale as a ghost. However, it could be applicable to guys like Jeff Carter that just can’t seem to solve MAF. Maybe if they keep drinking their orange juice, their day will come.

Dan “The Operation” Bylsma

Couldn’t be more appropriate. I think we’ll stick with Disco, but we all know what Bylsma’s operation is: get that puck deep and work the back of the net. That operation carried the Penguins to the Cup and makes them one of the toughest teams to play against. Maybe we can officially change it to the “Disco Operation”. Or, “Operation: Disco”.

Mario “M-Gel” Lemieux

A pretty appropriate post-career name for Lemieux. One look at him hoisting the cup indicates that the dude does use a lot of “product” in his hair.

Brooks “The Body” Orpik

Pretty hilarious and appropriate. Orpik’s physicality is unparalled on the team. He leaves a trail of bodies wherever he goes and uses his on a game to game basis.

Kevin “Bones” Stevens

This is pretty interesting. Kevin Stevens wasn’t very boney, but he did smash his face off of the ice, crushing nearly every bone in his face. He also had a bone to pick with Minnesota North Stars forward Brian Bellows. If you aren’t sure what that’s about, head on over to Youtube.

Other names we generated:

Billy “B-Gel”Guerin
Tyler “Juice Box” Kennedy
Kris “K-Train” Letang
Brent “The Hands Team” Johnson
Chris “The Blowout” Kunitz (See: Timmonen, Kimmo)
Pascal “Natural Light” Dupuis

What’s your Jersey Shore nickname?